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NOT Old Enough to Know Better: Cyber-dating in Your Golden Years

Part Two – Online Dating, Woes and Whoa!s      

By Dr. Zoltan Bashkatz*

 

There’s absolutely no good reason on earth why unattached seniors should be lonely in their golden years. We’ve lived a life, maybe raised a family and we’re probably looking forward to retirement. However, we don’t want to face it all alone. What follows is my best advice, based on years of not following such advice.

 

WOMEN

Women, start up your computers! Pick a dating site and commit to it. Remember this rule: it doesn’t matter what you write about yourselves, girls. Men are visual animals. You could copy the US Constitution into your profile, men will home in on just two important things, all right, one.

The second most important thing men need to know is your name. What’s in a name? On the one hand, you don’t want to scare a guy away with, say, Castratin’Bitch (I left off the “g” because it makes it more creepy) or HereComesTrouble. Yet on the otherhand, try and avoid overly cute screen names – no Poopsies, no Yummies and definitely no PeesWhenTickled. Finally, if you are … large… and your name starts with an “S”, do not attach the initials of our nation as a prefix to that screen name, no matter how patriotic you want to seem. “USSusan” or “USSallie” sound like the names of ocean liners.

This brings us to the most important item in your profile, your photos. It is the single most important consideration a woman must make when creating an alluring online presence, but you’d be surprised how many blow it. However, I’m just a guy. What do I know? You know what makes you look good. (Take it from me though, I know what makes a woman look bad – like, click!–“Next!”)

Don’t be the brunt of these sarcastic questions. Follow this good advice. Don’t make these common mistakes when you go looking for love online:

 

Photos – General

  1. Turn the photo right side up.
  2. Step back from the camera, you’re not doing a Nivea commercial.
  3. Get someone to take the photo for you, your forearm isn’t that attractive.

 

 Photos with people and animals

  1. Don’t display a photo of yourself standing next to your hot girlfriends. If you have to stand near someone, let it be Granny.
  2. If it doesn’t work out between us, will that big muscular guy standing next to you hunt me down and beat me up?
  3. Is that little kid’s eyes asking “Will you be my daddy?”
  4. What is Santa Claus doing in that photo, and what are you really looking for?
  5. Who was the guy you hacked out of the photo? (Let me guess….)
  6. So you’re a grandmother. Who cares?
  7. Stop smooching the pug, you’re ruining what few fantasies I have left.

 

  1. 8.      …and of course, the most common question… Which one is you?!

 

Photos with props and backgrounds

  1. Ask yourself, “Am I really that proud of my backyard shed?”
  2. No, I won’t stand on the edge of that volcano with you.
  3. You should project positivity, not despair, so take that gun away from your head.
  4. Don’t stand so close to that stack of hay, you’re wearing yellow.
  5. Is that limo/yacht/Cessna a real part of your everyday life or is that what you expect of me?
  6. Er…will you always be wearing that velvet jockey cap?

 

PhotosYour General Appearance

  1. Smile! This is not supposed to be a mug shot
  2. Powder some of the grease off your face, unless you want to attract barbecuing bikers.
  3. Sober up and put down that drink!
  4. I think your hair is too big for that frame.
  5. That’s much too big a smile. Invest in mouth-reduction surgery.
  6. Oh, how that lit-up Christmas tree enhances the reds and greens in your face!

 

It had been said, that past the age of 65 there are three age appropriate unattached women for every one man out there, so start posting. Go for it, ladies! Remember that you have to be quick, because old guys like me are dying off every day; and I’m not feeling so well myself. Which brings us to the hard cases…

 

MEN

So, you’re not getting any of that late-life loving, eh? Well, here’s what’s wrong with you, judging by what women want. (Seriously though, they’re advertising it, asking outright in their headings – “I seek a Such-and-Such.” If you’re still looking, then you are obviously not a such-and-such.) I’ve analyzed all the buzz words women publish about what they are most interested in finding in a man, so it stands to reason that if you are not dating, you don’t fit them.

As opposed to what women want, you are abnormal, not at all level-headed. In general, you’re all the negative basics: dishonest, disloyal, inactive and insincere. You’re a player, unkind, unintelligent and unsupportive (meaning you refuse to pay her rent).

As for your unpleasant outlook – you know, the one that eventually “gets” to her? – you hate to laugh, you just can’t stop, much less to smell the roses. You hate life – let’s face it – and you see all glasses as half empty, which is probably why you top them off and continue getting drunk every night.

                “But what about my heart?” you may well ask.

Well, as far as “All Women” are concerned, they avoid you because you are 1] small-hearted,  2] bad-hearted, 3] heavy-hearted, and of course 4] closed-hearted.

Are you loving anyway? Uh-uh.

She thinks you’re non-fun-loving, you don’t necessarily love dogs and you won’t make her day. She knows you are looking for dirty fun, that you failed chemistry and that you don’t want to be anyone’s “last love” – much less grow old together. (Who wants to grow old with an old lady anyway?!)

Face it, you are not compatible with any woman. You’re high maintenance and difficult-going. Your special traits are that you are a music-hater, you are not afraid of God and you never carpe a diem. Basically, this is why so many women are looking for someone who isn’t you. You’re the worst-friend type, a special no one, a fake gentleman, the man of her nightmares, not a real man. You are the wrong man, not the one, Mr. Wrong. You are Mr. Not-So-Wonderful.

                So, what do you do? Who knows? I’m certainly not the one to ask

(I hear that Kazakhstanhas set up a mail-order bride website. What can you lose?)

*Dr. Bashkatz is not licensed to practice anything anywhere.

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